Saturday, April 28, 2012

Saying goodbye and Saying Hello all at the same time!

So, several weeks ago, I posted a blog about my baby boy Ben.  I never ended up putting him down the next day after I wrote the blog. I am happy to say that God gave me many more weeks with my boy! He began improving and eating like a little champ.  He got to share some time with his sister Bella and he and I got some great cuddle time in!  Ben always liked to lay down next to me and put his paws on my face.  One particular night, when I was crying about him being so sick, he laid those little paws on my cheeks and wiped away my tears. He looked me straight in the eyes as he laid them on my face several times as if to say "Mommy don't cry, it will be ok."

He was making strides, gaining weight and wanting to once again play with some toys.  I was hopeful that he and I could turn this around.  However, God had another plan and my little boy died this past Tuesday because the cancer spread to his lungs.

I still long to hear him calling me when I walk in the door and look at me with those expressive eyes.  A friend of mine used to say that Ben would talk some day.  He did talk.  I always knew what he was saying to me.  He was a sweet, gentle, loving spirit.  The days have gotten a little better, yet the tears are still very close at hand.  Could I have tried something else?  I will never know and I must trust that I did the right thing by my little guy.

Some of you who are my dearest friends know that I named him after the little boy I always wanted.  Perhaps that is why this is so incredibly painful.  I don't know.  The little boy in my novel, soon to be published is named Ben as well. Perhaps the success of the book will be his gift to me.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I loved him like he was my child and that I miss him terribly.

My focus now must be to move my life forward and make my dreams come true.  I still have my crazy twins at home (cats that is! ) and they need my love and caring just as Ben did.

Here is to looking forward to brighter days ahead!    


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