The Magic of Ordinary Days

I saw the trailer for a movie with this title on Hallmark Channel. It struck me.I have been thinking about it most the night.

Most of us take our daily life for granted. The daily ritual of feeding our animals, getting the mail out of the mailbox, throwing in a load of laundry, kissing your spouse goodbye as they head to work.

But aren't these life's little treasures? If someone told you that you would soon die, would you not cherish these little moments and see them through different eyes?

The movie was about a love story of a pregnant woman in the 1800's who was from a wealthy family and she was sent to marry a man she didn't even know . The story actually ends up to be a beautiful one, with a happy ending. Of course, I like it, because I love happy endings.

As I contemplated this through a night where sleep was not coming to me, I thought of a man I recently met on a dating site. Our first date was for coffee. I am not thrilled about coffee dates, I find them really awkward. However, this one turned out to be a surprise . He was one of the most unique people I have met in quite some time. We ended up taking a walk on Main Street through a town called Williamsville and enjoyed the warm, summer evening together. The conversation was interesting and enjoyable - a far cry from a lot of first dates that I have had.  I went to bed smiling, finally a man who peaked my interest both intellectually and physically.

Our next date turned out to be a walk in the park with his dog, Annabelle , a sweet German Shephard, watching fireworks from afar so the dog wouldn't be frightened and getting ice cream afterwards.

I couldn't think of a more perfect summertime date. He was a perfect gentleman and no, it wasn't some elaborate restaurant , it wasn't a drink at a bar - it was a simple walk to enjoy the night sky , with a dog a man and some ice cream. But, I was so happy. Ordinary and simple.

Sadly, it turns out that he isn't ready to enter into a relationship, but the gift of this simple date is something I will cherish.

As I think about dating and "finding your soulmate" - isn't it the magic of ordinary things, enjoying the simplicity of life together that really matters?

Isn't it the small things in life that really create our magic? I think of another man I dated during college who surprised me by dropping off a card and a candy bar in my car overnight to say that he was thinking about me, loved me and would be there for me through my parents divorce. That has always stuck in my mind.

It is these things , these everyday, simple things that we need to cherish. Yes, the trips we take on our bucket list, graduations and weddings are wonderful celebrations to be remembered.

But I ask you, if you were to have another few months, wouldn't you cherish, seeing the moon in your kitchen window , see the flowers bloom in your garden and the smiles of those you love?

A special thank you to the man who I strolled in the park with, along with his dog and enjoyed the ice cream on this Fourth of July. You gave me back the gift of magic in ordinary days.

Love and Light,
Kimberley

Perfectionism is Fear in High Heeled Shoes and a Mink Coat

I just have to laugh at this title for today's blog. I wish I had come up with it, but I didn't. Elizabeth Gilbert did. And as many of you know, she is one of m all time favorite writers and teachers of all things creative.

So, she has a Creativity Class on Udemy whereby you can pay a very affordable price to hear her speak on the creative process. I guess she is kind of like Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist's Way.

I paid for the class and have been listening to her lectures for a few days now. And some I listen to multiple times. This particular lecture spoke to me greatly because I suffer from this personality trait. I have for a very long time and I realize now that this very thing has stopped me from publishing my work.

You, see I wrote a novel , several years ago now and I have been desperately trying to get through the editing process which I find to be grueling and tedious and not so much fun. I do find creating the characters and the book, much more tantalizing. I have allowed this editing process to stop me from publishing this book that I once held so dear to my heart. I still do ..but it's time now to let "my butterfly" go.

It's time to let it go out in the world and let people read it , even if I am afraid that it isn't "good enough" or that I am going to get criticized for being the worst writer ever or that my grammar is bad or something is horribly awful in this book that I slaved over six years to write through a lot of "life stuff" .

But, I have to remind myself - "it's my butterfly." It was created in my mind only and no one else's. It was created totally by me. And although, it might not be as perfect as the monarch butterfly looks as God has so perfectly created each of his creatures -it's still my creation that I loved and cared for and nurtured and gave all my energy to for all those years.

This is the very essence of what Elizabeth Gilbert teaches in this lecture - that perfectionism is just a classy word for fear and we must recognize that and not allow it to stop birthing our creative works.

For what if, what if, someone was truly moved by what you wrote, or what you photographed or sculpted or whittled out of wood? What if you somehow changed their life by your work? And what if, you never showed the world that "butterfly" and that person was never to see it and have their life forever changed?

You don't have to start off thinking - I am going to write the next Harry Potter or paint on the ceiling of Sistine Chapel - you just have to create your own "butterfly" , whatever that is and give yourself permission to let it go out into the world and let people think whatever they want. It doesn't matter - it's yours and only yours and you need to go on and create more of what is yours and share those gifts with the world.

So, be grateful for the fear, say thank you, I know you are there, but we will be moving on now. I wouldn't take off the high heels - because those are super fun to wear and come in so many colors and textures! But maybe just maybe! You could wear them AND paint and write with them on!





Love and Light,
Kimberley

The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul...when that person you love so much and who loves you just as much dies..

 it's as if this blanket or shadow overcomes your being and your inner world shuts down and you want so desperately to shut everyone out. The pain is more excruciating than you ever imagined it could be. You don't know how you will ever feel good again. Will my life always feel this way from this point forward? Will I feel happy at some point in the near future? Will I survive this? Will I feel what joy feels like ever again?

The short answer? The darkness lasts as long as you need to grieve.. but I pray you , please don't let that darkness overshadow you to the extent that you too feel like you need to take your own life because the pain is too much to bear.

As we look at the natural world, the night does turn into day, the moon gives way to the sun. And eventually the many Dark Nights of our Soul will turn into seconds and minutes of Lightness of our Hearts.

The death of my Mother has changed my world as I knew it. Only a few short months ago.  It just stopped me in my tracks and has felt like my whole life has been put on hold.

I felt stuck and still do to a certain degree. It's as if someone cemented my feet to the ground and took away my motivation and zest for life that I once had.

But as I write this I feel like maybe just maybe this wasn't a bad thing. Perhaps this was all part of a Universal plan to get me refocused on a pathway that is better than the one I was mapping out for myself.

I am not sure what that pathway looks like right now so I am taking one day at a time. It's all I can handle. And I stay close to my family. For it is in them, I feel her. And my soul doesn't feel so dark when I am near them.

My Mom would be proud that we have stuck together through this time - very little to no drama.. just tears and memories.. and holding hands, trying to deal with the grief.

It is in these times of the darkness that we see the light - the light of my great nephew Dylan's smile and his desire to keep trying to walk, the light of the laughter we share driving in a van on the way home from my Mom's, the light of the birds that sang on her property as we scattered her ashes under her favorite tree where her dog is buried, the light of the sun coming up, the light of long time friends sending you a smile.

To all those out there feeling the sadness and grief of the death of someone you dearly love - know that the Darkness does become light.. one step at a time, one day at a time and the time frame becomes different for all of us.

I remind myself everyday to look at the Light and to acknowledge the Darkness but I try not to let it linger too much as it draws me back into the abyss.. at first when my Mom died.that was the majority of my days.. the darkness of the abyss.. but now.. it shows itself in some portion of my day and doesn't last all day - thank God..

My love to all of you out there experiencing the Dark Night of the Soul - here is to the Light that shines within! Look for it - it's there!

Love and Light,
Kimberley

I Hear the Birds Singing Today

I Hear the Birds Singing Today...

The birds that have decided to surround my house with companionship and love..

I Hear the Birds Singing Today...

The birds that my Mother loved so much...

I Hear the Birds Singing Today..

They are filled with joy..

I Hear the Birds Singing Today..

They warm my heart..

I Hear the Birds Singing Today..

My Mother's spirit in Flight..

And Now.. I Share the Dawn of Each Morning with My Mother

And Now.. I Share the Dawn of Each Morning with My Mother..




How you ask? For she has left this physical world behind, not a few short months ago.

I awake to the sound of the birds around 5am

And I know that she is there..

I feed the cat, grab my coffee and make my way to my writing room

And I know that she is here...

I open the file on my computer labeled, "Gifts from Serenity Pond" and continue work on her book

And I know that she is here..

I peruse through the many small pieces of paper that hold her thoughts from years past

And I know that she is here..

I read and I cry.

Because I know that she is here.

I read and it's as if I know my Mother for the first time

And I know that she is here.

I am not unlike my Mother and I realize this , the more I read

And I know that she is here.

I cry for the woman who wrote these words, her joy and her sorrows captured in words

And I know that she is here.

I cling to the little pieces of paper, wishing her back for just one more day

Yet I know that she is not here, not in this physical space we call Earth

But now I get to share the Dawn of Each Morning with her and the little slips of paper she once wrote upon

Mother's Day at Serenity Pond - A Celebration of Love

It was days before Mother's Day this year and I knew my brothers and sister, my nieces and nephews were all thinking about my Mother. How could we not? The commercials on TV run every 5 minutes, stores advertising gifts. The gift we all wanted was just one more day with our Mother, our Grandmother.

The days were silent between us until I called my brother and asked him what he would like to do to celebrate our Mother's life. I suggested we take a ride out to the place in the woods where she lived with her husband and my brother thought we ought to buy some flowers.

I connected with my niece and asked if she would like to join us.

I went to Lowes and asked God and my Mother to direct me to just the right plant/flowers. I walked around in silence, the people walking around me, the lines at the register long and I looked and waited. My brother who lives in Virginia called at the same time and we talked about this very special day, we didn't dwell on the sadness - we just took the time to connect, knowing we needed each other's support.

And then the flowers called to me. The red roses that said - Forever and Always, hardy that last through rough weather. I shared our plans for the day and my find with my brother on the phone and we talked about when he would come to visit.

My niece came to the house and we waited for my brother to pick us up. We drove the familiar road it took to get to my Mother's house and talked of my nieces recent trip to Virginia where she visited my other brother and did some hiking. It was conversation that all of us could handle, light and easy- but inside our hearts were aching watching the scenery go by, the landmarks we had grown to know.

And suddenly we looked to the left to see the most beautiful rainbow. The whole rainbow was visible and I knew it was a sign. A sign of love from above.

We pulled into my Mother's property and parked the car, getting the shovel and flowers. It was raining just a bit and cold. My brother took some time to look out over the pond and I went in the house. And our hearts ached for the woman we called our Mother and Grandmother. Silence was our friend along with the birds and the strong whisper of the wind at the top of the trees.

We started our planting - my brother did the digging along with my niece and I gently put the rose plants in place. One on each side of the front walkway leading to her home. Her husband said they would get the most sunlight in that spot.

My sister in law watered the plants with care. No one said too much we all just focused on what we were there to do. I walked back in the house to return the kitchen gloves I had borrowed. I stood at the sink she stood at so many times and I sobbed for the woman I desperately missed in my life. The woman we all missed so very much.

My sister in law came in to say that my Mom's husband had arrived back home. I was glad - it was something we needed to share with him .

I walked outside and suggested we say a prayer over the rose plants. And we prayed for their abundant growth through whatever came their way - just like my Mother's love was, forever strong , no matter what. We planted two plants - one from her children and one from her grandchildren.

And just as our prayer ended and we contemplated the silence around us at Serenity Pond, we received yet another gift - a colorful rooster and his hen! I smiled, for this is the reason why my Mother loved living here- surrounded by the beauty of nature and the wildlife.

We watched the rooster and hen walk all around us - it didn't seem to bother them that we were there. And we delighted in the moment.

Our stay lasted not too much longer as I took pictures to share with the family members who could not be with us , we said our goodbyes to my Mom's husband and to our visit to Serenity Pond.

As we got  in the car and started back home, tears were shed by all of us and the car was filled with silence. I could hear my brother's tears, so hard and so much in pain. My niece looked out the window at the landscape once again and commented on all the wildlife that seemed to be out that day. My sister in law rubbed her husbands back , with her own tears welling up in her eyes.

We drove most of the way home not saying too much but our hearts clung to each others and I wondered how many more times we would visit here. I didn't know the answer to that, all I know is that it was hard to be there yet, being there we felt her presence.

The pictures here are of our plantings for my family to see and to bring a bit of lightness to our hearts with the rooster and hen!

We all love you so much Mom! Grandma! And yes, what we wouldn't do for one more day with you!

With love from all of us, your children and your grandchildren - may these roses bloom every so brightly with love and courage - just as you loved us and we love you. 

A Love Letter from Heaven, A Mother's Message to Her Daughter on Mother's Day

And so, as the world goes to brunch, sits around a barbecue, goes to church with their Mom's, I cry.

And I turn on Hallmark to make me feel better, only to tune into a channel where a daughter has lost her Mother at 13.

Yes, I made myself watch the whole movie as the sun was shining brightly outside, knowing I should be out there enjoying. Yet, I sit..as I did this past winter when my Mother died. I went to work and I came home and watched Hallmark movies. Everyday, I did the same thing for months. Shutting myself off from the world in hopes that the pain would somehow go away and I would wake up and my Mom would still be there.

As the days moved on, just as the winter thaw began and the snowdrops came, I woke up just a little bit. And suddenly I realized I had a good day. The daffodils began to bloom and the air became a litter warmer.

And I woke up just a little more. And I had a few more good days.

So now, the tulips take their turn , in all their glory - reds, yellows- rows and rows of them can be found in the gardens and streets as we drive by.

And the days get a little warmer and I have a few more good weeks.

The calendar suddenly turns itself to a special day in May. A day we honor the giver's of our lives - our Mothers.

And the tears once again begin to fall and the need to shut the world out begins again. I watch the entire Hallmark movie where the Nanny had also lost her Mom when she was 16 and the love of God sends the Nanny to this family to heal the 13 year old girl.

And I cried and I cried some more.

The show ended and I turned off the TV, knowing I must move on with the day. I grab a tissue and walked up to my office where I now sit typing this. And as I looked over to the pile of my Mom's writings that I promised to publish for her. I found this:

 My body moves and breathes,
   From inside I watch it and wonder
how and why it does. 
For my spirit lies curled and huddled
   grieving and still.
The "me" of truth lies within
   In pain, in sorrow, in Stillness
Encompassed by darkness
   and a void
nurturing itself
   Healing ever so slowly
One moment at a time.

D.E.A.  Oct. 12, 1996

Thank you Mom.. I know you hear me, I know you are watching me. I know you know what I'm feeling.

I love you to the Moon and back and I miss you everyday.

Happy Mother's Day Mom,
Kim