Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul...when that person you love so much and who loves you just as much dies..

 it's as if this blanket or shadow overcomes your being and your inner world shuts down and you want so desperately to shut everyone out. The pain is more excruciating than you ever imagined it could be. You don't know how you will ever feel good again. Will my life always feel this way from this point forward? Will I feel happy at some point in the near future? Will I survive this? Will I feel what joy feels like ever again?

The short answer? The darkness lasts as long as you need to grieve.. but I pray you , please don't let that darkness overshadow you to the extent that you too feel like you need to take your own life because the pain is too much to bear.

As we look at the natural world, the night does turn into day, the moon gives way to the sun. And eventually the many Dark Nights of our Soul will turn into seconds and minutes of Lightness of our Hearts.

The death of my Mother has changed my world as I knew it. Only a few short months ago.  It just stopped me in my tracks and has felt like my whole life has been put on hold.

I felt stuck and still do to a certain degree. It's as if someone cemented my feet to the ground and took away my motivation and zest for life that I once had.

But as I write this I feel like maybe just maybe this wasn't a bad thing. Perhaps this was all part of a Universal plan to get me refocused on a pathway that is better than the one I was mapping out for myself.

I am not sure what that pathway looks like right now so I am taking one day at a time. It's all I can handle. And I stay close to my family. For it is in them, I feel her. And my soul doesn't feel so dark when I am near them.

My Mom would be proud that we have stuck together through this time - very little to no drama.. just tears and memories.. and holding hands, trying to deal with the grief.

It is in these times of the darkness that we see the light - the light of my great nephew Dylan's smile and his desire to keep trying to walk, the light of the laughter we share driving in a van on the way home from my Mom's, the light of the birds that sang on her property as we scattered her ashes under her favorite tree where her dog is buried, the light of the sun coming up, the light of long time friends sending you a smile.

To all those out there feeling the sadness and grief of the death of someone you dearly love - know that the Darkness does become light.. one step at a time, one day at a time and the time frame becomes different for all of us.

I remind myself everyday to look at the Light and to acknowledge the Darkness but I try not to let it linger too much as it draws me back into the abyss.. at first when my Mom died.that was the majority of my days.. the darkness of the abyss.. but now.. it shows itself in some portion of my day and doesn't last all day - thank God..

My love to all of you out there experiencing the Dark Night of the Soul - here is to the Light that shines within! Look for it - it's there!

Love and Light,

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