Signs of Spring to Come

Spring is one of my favorite seasons. I see it as a time for things to "begin again", a fresh, new start . I love everything about it - but mostly the abundance of beautiful spring flowers. And one of those flowers is the tiny little snowdrop. This flower is so brave and strong. It peaks through the last vestiges of the cold, winter snow to let us know that "yes, there is hope." There is hope that the air will become warmer, the harshness of struggling through the ice and snow will cease, the days will be longer with more sunshine. They don't die with the last winter snowfalls, in fact, they are bound and determined to bloom for us to share in their beauty.

I love to see them come up in my front yard. They give me hope. Especially this year, when my heart is broken with the passing of my Mother and I struggle each day to find beauty and hope to move on.

These little flowers greet me and tell me that there is beauty and strength even in the small things that are all around us.

I guess the moral of the story here is , look for hope even in the quiet, small corners of your world. No matter what is happening in your life - there is always something that makes you smile and gives you hope.

Kimberley

Writing Fiction when you Are In Deep Emotional Pain

It's been awhile since I have written a blog post. Too long. Too long away from pen and paper. It has called me in the whispers of my soul, each day, crying for me to come back. Yet, the grief of my Mother and the desire to focus on anything else that takes me away from emotion has led me astray from my creative life.

The sunshine has started to peak its way through the darkness of my soul, yet, there are days when I am exposed to other people and the interactions with them gets too intense. The intensity sends me back into the abyss of grief and I spend the day yet again in my bathrobe, on the couch watching Hallmark movies or in my study listening to one of my spiritual teachers, in hopes of feeling just a tiny bit better.

I don't like those days, they feel yukky and they feel hard to climb back from. But, it is those times that I have learned to reach out to those I love and who love me. I didn't use to do that. I hope I have learned something as I have evolved through my years on this earth.

So yesterday, after not having slept for almost two days and suffering from a lot of tears and a nagging headache, I stayed in my pajamas and let myself pull from anything I could to start feeling better. I thought about all the things my Mom and I used to enjoy together. I called my friend to help move some furniture and I started moving things around my study and bedroom. I needed my comfy chairs back in my study. I started looking at home renovation ideas and I called another friend to come over and help me prepare for my Airbnb guests.

And this morning... I opened Elizabeth Gilbert's book called Big Magic and I read and I read. I opened up her website and listened to her voice about this very book. The one passage I read was this:

    I've found that it's nearly impossible for me to write when I am unhappy, and it is definitely impossible  for me to write fiction when I am unhappy. ( In other words: I can live a drama or I can invent a drama- but I do not have the capacity to do both at the same time.)

    Emotional Pain makes me the opposite of a deep person: it renders my life narrow and thin and
       isolated. My suffering takes this whole thrilling and gigantic universe and shrinks it down to the 
       size of my unhappy head.  When my personal devils take over, I can feel my creative angels
       retreating. They watch my struggle from a safe distance, but they worry. Also they grow 
       inpatient. "It's almost as if they are saying , "lady , please -hold it together" We have so much            more work to do!"

My desire to work-my desire to engage with my creativity as intimately and as freely as possible-is my
   strongest personal incentive to fight back against pain , by any means necessary, and to fashion a    life for myself  that is as sane and healthy and stable as it can possibly be. 

But that's only because of what I have chosen to trust, which is quite simply: love
         Love over suffering, always.


I could totally relate to this passage in the book. I have a hard time writing when my heart is in extreme pain. Although my writing is oftentimes cathartic, the heartache is so difficult to bear that the words don't come.

And so, like Elizabeth Gilbert, today, I focus on love. Love for myself, Love for the books and the blogs and the words I was brought here to write, Love for my Mother who was such an artist, cook, baker, interior decorator, writer and Love for the people that I hope I inspire with the sharing of my words and life experiences.

Kimberley

And So The Snow Finally Fell That Year

And so the snow finally fell that year. It hadn't come until January 11th. A late winter snowfall.

I remember looking out my living room window and watching the flakes as they passed by the streetlight. It was quiet outside. The earth was finally blanketed for a winter's rest and somehow my heart felt at peace. I looked across the street to the little blue house that my Mother wanted to buy so many years before that and wondered , would she still be alive if she had lived there. I would never know and my heart thought, at least this winter, she won't struggle through the cold as she had so many winters before.

I found myself talking to her and letting her know the first snow had fallen because you see, we always had shared that first snowfall together. Each year, we would call each other, look out the window and share in  the beauty and the quiet the snow had brought.

That year, I celebrated with her in my head and in my heart, calling her with my spirit as the tears fell down my face. "Mom, it's the first snowfall, look out your window, it's beautiful."

You see when my Mom looked out her window, she saw deer and a pond frozen over. When I looked out the window I saw houses and streetlights. Both of us still admiring the quiet view and the warmth of each other with the silence on the phone.

That year, would be the first of many snowfalls I would call my Mother through my spirit and my heart. As each year passed, my heart healed a little bit more, but my love for my Mother would never end.

Our family has grown over those snowfalls, more children added to the mix, challenges we have faced together because she was no longer here, Holiday Celebrations still remain a priority and birthdays are never forgotten. Her legacy has been carried on through her children and her grandchildren and I hope through generations and more snowfalls to come.

Thank you dear Mom for the Snowfall that Finally Came That Year. With All My Love, Kim

Turning Grief into a Dream Not Left Behind

And so as my family and I walk through the weeks following the death of our Mother, Grandmother, Wife, Great Grandmother, we all are processing this differently - yet we are keeping in contact with one another , supporting one another and loving each other through our grief.

Yesterday afternoon was rough for me, I did what I knew to overcome the dark sadness that lurked in my solar plexus in the morning. I went to the gym and pushed my body to the limit, so I could feel something, anything other than the pain of the grief. The gym has always been a way for me to process challenges in my life. I drove myself for two hours and was successful for a time until my girlfriends called me afterwards and I cried with them through the sadness . They reminded me that these times will come and go and that they will be there to help me move through them.

I told them I wanted to put the sadness behind me and find that inner motivation,drive that has always been inside me to accomplish things in my life. My girlfriend reminded me that it's there, maybe hidden, but it was something my Mom always supported in me. She was my number one cheerleader and always, always had faith in me that I could move the next mountain I decided to climb in my life. And yes, maybe she isn't here physically , but she is with me in the spirit realm of life, watching and guiding me.

And so, as I prepare for the days and weeks ahead in 2016, I know three things: I will publish my Mother's works as she asked me to , not two months ago , I will publish my own book and I will continue to write on my blog. My Mother loved reading my blog posts and in fact, I can recall one day , she called me and said " I just read one of your blog posts, congratulations, the batton has been passed to you my daughter, you are a beautiful writer." Oh my god, the tears strolled down my face, knowing what an amazing writer my Mother has been since I was a child! This was one of the biggest compliments she ever gave me.

Today, is a new day, I have only shed a few tears today and my inner motivation is coming back. I will turn my grief into making some of my Mother's and my dreams come true in 2016.

For all of you out there who has had parents, grandparents, spouses pass on, find the good that they gave to you! Honor them, keep their legacy alive by celebrating them!  Let the grief be a catalyst to something new, beautiful and amazing!

Love and Light,

Kimberley

The 31st Day of December, A Gift of Life

To most this symbolizes the last day of the year. To others in cultures different than ours, it can mean something totally different. It's all in the perception and how we look at things. I choose to look at today as a gift.

A gift of Life.

You see today is the day my parents gave birth to me.

And I am so happy and grateful that I am healthy and here on this planet to celebrate this day with my friends and my family.

The gift of Life.

How precious and sweet.

Cherish it.

Don't waste it on regrets and anger.

Be grateful for everything , even the bad times.

Find the good.

The gift of Life.

Call your Mother and thank her for this gift.

Unfortunately , I cannot physically call my Mom this year. But I can sure connect with her through prayer
and through the spirit world that operates around us.

Thank you Mom for the gift of my Life.

December 31st, a day for fun, a day for some to create new goals, hopes and dreams, a day for saying goodbye to the past year and all that it brought us - what does December 31st mean to me?

A Day of Love, the day my parents gave Me Love and brought me into this world to realize all my dreams, make a difference in the world in which I came, and to give LOVE to this world.

Happy New Year, Happy Dreams, Happy Life!

Kimberley

LOVE, The Way to Heal from Grief

It's been a few weeks since my Mother died. My heart still feels frozen, yet, there are times I can feel it thaw out just a bit. I am glad to have those moments and in my mind, I know that eventually I won't feel so much like someone threw a ton of bricks at me. I find it hard to get motivated to do the smallest things and I am grateful that life somehow forces us to move on.

There is good that has come of her passing and I choose to focus my heart and mind on those things. How can good come from someone's death you ask? Well, she doesn't have to deal with endless doctors appointments anymore, she doesn't have to be afraid that she can't breathe, she doesn't have to fear the four stairs in my back hallway and her husband can finally get the rest he so deserves.  I am grateful that she didn't end up in a nursing home where her spirit would have died long before her body would have.

My Mother gave us a great legacy to carry on. She was a wonderful Mother and taught us so much about unconditional love, about the value of family and so much more. My Mother touched the lives of many people and was an amazing artist, writer, cook, seamstress, and self made interior designer. She never stopped learning and teaching herself new things. I know where I get it from now!

Her strength to endure life's challenges was admirable. She overcame breast cancer, healed through two divorces and she pulled through nearly dying three years ago when she was admitted to the hospital five times after her second hip replacement. How did she do it? What drove her to overcome all of these circumstances? The answer: LOVE.

The LOVE she had for her family was what drove my Mother to live. She was determined to be there for her children and see her grandchildren grow up . And she did that! Her heart was as big as this planet Earth! She had a heart that loved so many. The evidence seen by all the wonderful people who attended her wake and shared their heartfelt memories of her.

And so , as I struggle to overcome the frozen feelings inside, I think about the amazing POWER of  LOVE.
The LOVE of my friends who have surrounded me since the day my Mother died. The LOVE of my family who came and filled my house with laughter and joy during those days after her death.  The LOVE of a new male friend who has supported me through this and makes me laugh everyday! The LOVE of text messages that come unexpectedly to see how I am. The LOVE of clients and employers that lent their understanding and support.

As I ponder this amazingly strong force of life called LOVE, I feel that this will be the force that will help me regain my spirit and allow me to once again LIVE  a life I  LOVE.

When we use LOVE, we are using the greatest Power in the Universe. And this is what I must be mindful of and focus on. I must use this amazing power to set me free and feel LIFE once again.

And how will I do this? I will DO what I LOVE each day. I will focus my thoughts on LOVE. I will BE all that I LOVE to be. I will HAVE those people and things in my life that I LOVE.

And I will LOVE my Mother with all my heart.

May all of you who have experienced the death of a parent, find a way to heal yourselves through the POWER OF LOVE.

Kimberley

Words from my Mother

The first words on a page since my Mother's death. I fear that in this writing, I will cry tears that will never stop. I have been taken ill several days after her funeral. During these days I have forced myself to sit and watch Hallmark Christmas movies, because it is in those movies that I find solace. You see Christmas is my favorite time of year, as it was my Mothers. She was the one who gave me the love of the season and the gift of believing that Christmas was truly a magical time of year. These movies have happy endings and teach us that belief is not something to be proven.

I have nursed my body and tried to quiet my mind so that sleep will come to me. You see each time I let my mind relax, it goes to thoughts of my Mother, and in turn, I cry. Over the course of the last year of my life as I have begun to follow my heart and  my dreams, I have learned to trust in meditation. I particularly like spirit guided meditation.  I have been guided by what has come out of those meditations and they have been there to help calm the waters when life feels way too stormy. In that meditation realm, I feel more connected to God and the Universe than ever before and I have been able to connect with some people who have meant the world to me, who have died over the last few months. This has greatly helped me to heal from the grief I felt over their passing. Yet, this time it was my Mother and I refused to meditate for fear , she would appear and my tears would not stop.

On occasion over the last few days, I have let my body finally come to a deep sleep and my mind has slipped into the realm between sleep and being awake and dreams have begun to come. Realizing this, somehow I have mentally willed them to stop and I wake myself up.  Why? Because I know that I will meet My Mother there, and it will be far to real.

Yes, I am still in a state of shock and denial but as I watch these movies each day, I know she is here with me, whispering to me - "honey, get your Christmas tree up!" , "decorate your house" - it's Christmas! "Don't cry sweetie" , " come on, you need to carry on my legacy, as I know you will", "sweetie don't cry" - " call your friends, they will help you decorate the house" , " I see my Christmas stamp came that we ordered to make the Christmas cards - keep it, make some Christmas thank you cards for people"  " Don't cry baby girl, everything will be ok, " " You are amazing writer and you will publish with my help, and I know you will publish my work, as I asked you to" " Keep an eye on Ken and take care of you - I see you have once again, worked yourself into the ground, by doing too much and my death was the icing on the cake for you."
"Sweetie, don't cry baby girl, I know you are having a hard time with this, but I promise I love you forever and you will carry on so many things we started together " " Don't put anything else in front of your writing and your creative spirit anymore, publish, make cookies, make cards, love with all your heart, fulfill your dreams, whatever they are- you have always climbed those mountains and you will climb this one too!" Yes, I know it's hard and I know your struggling - but hug Noah every time you need to - I see him on your chair in your office." "And thank you for that gift that kept me hopeful in my darkest days in that hospital bed some three years ago." Mom, don't go.." don't go... "Honey.. get up, take a shower, call your friends to help you decorate a tree this week and go try to work just a little bit today and then go get your nails and feet done "

And so, for the first time as I try to write after my Mothers death, she helps me write the words on the page and she decides to talk with me. No, I didn't bother to edit this.. why? It comes straight from the heart..