The first words on a page since my Mother's death. I fear that in this writing, I will cry tears that will never stop. I have been taken ill several days after her funeral. During these days I have forced myself to sit and watch Hallmark Christmas movies, because it is in those movies that I find solace. You see Christmas is my favorite time of year, as it was my Mothers. She was the one who gave me the love of the season and the gift of believing that Christmas was truly a magical time of year. These movies have happy endings and teach us that belief is not something to be proven.
I have nursed my body and tried to quiet my mind so that sleep will come to me. You see each time I let my mind relax, it goes to thoughts of my Mother, and in turn, I cry. Over the course of the last year of my life as I have begun to follow my heart and my dreams, I have learned to trust in meditation. I particularly like spirit guided meditation. I have been guided by what has come out of those meditations and they have been there to help calm the waters when life feels way too stormy. In that meditation realm, I feel more connected to God and the Universe than ever before and I have been able to connect with some people who have meant the world to me, who have died over the last few months. This has greatly helped me to heal from the grief I felt over their passing. Yet, this time it was my Mother and I refused to meditate for fear , she would appear and my tears would not stop.
On occasion over the last few days, I have let my body finally come to a deep sleep and my mind has slipped into the realm between sleep and being awake and dreams have begun to come. Realizing this, somehow I have mentally willed them to stop and I wake myself up. Why? Because I know that I will meet My Mother there, and it will be far to real.
Yes, I am still in a state of shock and denial but as I watch these movies each day, I know she is here with me, whispering to me - "honey, get your Christmas tree up!" , "decorate your house" - it's Christmas! "Don't cry sweetie" , " come on, you need to carry on my legacy, as I know you will", "sweetie don't cry" - " call your friends, they will help you decorate the house" , " I see my Christmas stamp came that we ordered to make the Christmas cards - keep it, make some Christmas thank you cards for people" " Don't cry baby girl, everything will be ok, " " You are amazing writer and you will publish with my help, and I know you will publish my work, as I asked you to" " Keep an eye on Ken and take care of you - I see you have once again, worked yourself into the ground, by doing too much and my death was the icing on the cake for you."
"Sweetie, don't cry baby girl, I know you are having a hard time with this, but I promise I love you forever and you will carry on so many things we started together " " Don't put anything else in front of your writing and your creative spirit anymore, publish, make cookies, make cards, love with all your heart, fulfill your dreams, whatever they are- you have always climbed those mountains and you will climb this one too!" Yes, I know it's hard and I know your struggling - but hug Noah every time you need to - I see him on your chair in your office." "And thank you for that gift that kept me hopeful in my darkest days in that hospital bed some three years ago." Mom, don't go.." don't go... "Honey.. get up, take a shower, call your friends to help you decorate a tree this week and go try to work just a little bit today and then go get your nails and feet done "
And so, for the first time as I try to write after my Mothers death, she helps me write the words on the page and she decides to talk with me. No, I didn't bother to edit this.. why? It comes straight from the heart..
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