Reflections of a Heart in Pain

My morning writing has me ponder thoughts and feelings I have for someone very dear to me. You see, I received a text from them yesterday as I was driving to my workout session with my trainer, that they were moving. And their new home would be thousands of miles away. 

My heart sank and the tears started streaming down my face. My contacts became blurry and I was supposed to walk into the gym ready for action. I wanted to run away as far as I could from the feeling of this pain and at the same time I wanted to go into that gym and punch the daylights out of that bag hanging from the ceiling. 

I put my sunglasses on and walked into the gym asking my trainer for a few minutes. I needed to collect myself. I want no one in on these feelings. He looked at me and asked if I was ok? And I replied "let's get to it!"  I wanted him to work me hard and punish myself - perhaps that would take the pain away and I wouldn't feel anymore. 

I pushed through the workout- pushing my emotions away and forcing my mind to be angry instead of feeling grief. I got through it and left the gym. No sooner did I get in the car and the floodgates opened once again for the tears to fall.

So many emotions - angry at myself for letting myself feel this way and sadness for having to say goodbye to someone who means so much to me. 

I called my Mom as so many daughters do in these times and she let me be angry and she let me speak ill of myself and she let me be sad, just listening as she often does. My Mom had some wise things to say , sharing her years of experience with me. I listened through my tears and my anger, knowing she loves me and she was giving me the best advice she could. I wanted to beat myself up for allowing myself to feel so much for someone once again and feeling like they don't reciprocate those same level of feelings. 

I felt like I had come so far on my own personal internal work, how could I let this happen? Why hadn't I transcended this and just felt love in my heart with no "attachment" and let it go? Why did I still feel this level of pain? I don't know.

I cried the entire day, wanting to go to bed and curl up into a ball - yet life wouldn't allow me to do that. I had responsibilities to care for a friend who is staying at my house and is recovering from hip surgery. 

I couldn't let them see what was happening on the inside. I wanted no one around me. I wanted the world to go away. I wanted the pain to go away.

I drove to the grocery store knowing I needed to get ice for my friend and sat there in the parking lot and just let myself cry. Some guy putting his groceries in his car just starred at me and I wanted to just yell at him and ask him "what the hell are you staring at?"  However, it knew it was my need to push the world away as well as the pain. 

I picked up the ice and I started walking toward what I knew would always soothe my heart - books! The world of books has always been my solace every since I was a little girl. I could get lost in worlds imagined in authors minds and I could forget about my own. They have given me comfort, made me laugh, helped me to become a better person and let me know that love is possible against any and all odds that the world presents to us.

And what did my eyes see , but a book from Elizabeth Gilbert on the writing life! I loved her book - Eat,Pray,Love - I think all of us women can relate to pieces of that book. The book I picked up was called Big Magic, Creative Living Beyond Fear. I thought to myself - Once again, the world of writing calls me home. 

I knew delving into this book would see me through the night and help me sleep. I also picked up a magazine - REAL SIMPLE , all about organizing. I wanted to control something, anything.Cleaning out closets or kitchens or garages when I feel like my life is swirling has always helped ground me. 

I arrived home to take care of my friend, made him some dinner, and I made myself a bowl of popcorn with parmesean cheese and truffle oil and poured a glass of wine. I needed comfort.

Exhausted from the emotions of the day, the physical workout my trainer put me through and the responsibilities that come from taking care of someone after an operation had taken their toll. I needed to go upstairs and find sleep.

I curled up in my favorite pajamas and "boyfriend sweater" , did I go to sleep? No! I opened up those little gifts I just bought and started reading. Elizabeth Gilbert spoke to me and asked me if I had the courage to share my writing gifts with the world? Once again, the Universe was telling me what I needed to hear.

My eyes were heavy and I couldn't fight them anymore. I turned the light off, pulled the book to my heart and pulled the covers over me. 

This morning I awoke with a little less pain but still an ache that I knew wasn't going away anytime soon. My friend and I would meet for lunch one last time before he moved. Part of me wants to see him and part of me doesn't. Wouldn't it just be easier for me to let him go from my heart and mind now?  If I see him, it will dredge up all those feelings and my heart will feel pain once again. 

So, as I was pondering my thoughts this morning, I bumped into one of my favorite facebook pages: Raising Vibrations and this is what was on their wall:

https://www.facebook.com/raisingvibrations?fref=ts

You are a gift to the world .....dont forget this heart emoticon

If you find yourself sharing your gifts in places and with people, that do not seem to want it, don't continue to beat your head up against the wall. Release them. Let them have their own journey.
Life is too short to convince people to be aware of who you are and the value that you bring.

Love yourself enough to remove yourself from any situation where you are constantly making someone a priority who has made you an option. The lips of the wise are sealed to those who refuse to hear and are comfortable being ignorant. Being to crave out a place for yourself in life to do the work that you are called to, for those who ready to receive it.

Your gifts and time are precious. Take care to nurture and develop them. Only in this way you can live a life that purposeful, meaningful and free of frustration. You are a gift to the world. You deserve to be recognized for who you are.

Unknown

It was a message I needed to see, read and hear. 

I share these thoughts for all the lovers in the world who dare love with their whole hearts and have the courage to feel them get broken. I hope that someone out there in the land of the internet will find some solace in these words and find a way to make their day just a little brighter.

Love and Light to all the Lovers in the World! Keep loving, don't stop because your heart gets broken. The shattered pieces will glue themselves together, maybe not immediately, but they will and you will find the love you have always yearned for.

Kimberley

Saturday Night at Grace House

It's 12:45 am on a Saturday evening as I walk in the door of my home from a wonderful evening with friends. The house is quiet  but for the sound of the television. I gingerly walk through the dining room and into the living room.  One table lamp warmly lights the sunroom and the reflection of the TV shines on the serene faces of my sleeping guests on the couch.  Being out in the rain and cold weather had them yearning for warmth as they are snuggled beneath the plaid comforter. The temperature  in the house has dropped quite a bit so I thought perhaps they could use another blanket. And just as I lowered the blanket onto him, he awoke. His sleepy smile greeted me while his girlfriend still remained in her blissful state of slumber.

We chatted for awhile reminiscing about our night's out when our chat was cut short by two black cats creating any kind of mischief they could to demand that a midnight snack be served!

The water was heating on the stove as I began to scoop the homemade cat food into a small glass dish. This daily ritual acted out without thought, I reflected on how full my heart was knowing my guests have made themselves right at home.  As I am lost in the warmth of this feeling, I glance over to see a pizza box and some beer cans on the counter and I smile. The kitchen is a bit messy but I don't care.

I bring myself back to preparing my cats food,  my thoughts wander to my other guests that text me about two hours ago.  Their grandson suddenly had to go to the Emergency Room. I walk out of the kitchen and into the hallway adjoining their bedroom. I glance in the direction of their room and see darkness with the door wide open.  A clear sign they haven't been home.

I quickly shoot a text off to them to express my concern as they walk into the side door to the house.

Tired with worried expressions on their faces, they share the events of the last few hours.

The guests on the couch stretch their arms and legs and announce they are going to bed. Saturday Night Live and Nicki Minaj are turned off as the house begins its quiet decent into slumber.

I continue my kitchen conversation about an eleven month old's first visit to the ER as the cats munch on their midnight snack. Emotionally weary from the days events, my guests bid me a "goodnight."

I take a quick tour through the house turning off the lights except for a guiding light over the kitchen sink. The cats and head off to the second floor. They know the routine as they jump up onto the bed waiting for me finish washing my face and brushing my teeth.

I open the bedroom window to let the cool breeze float in and I climb under the covers between my two furry companions.

I lay there listening to the sound of a peaceful and contented silence. Everyone is home, warm, safe and comfortable.

And I am happy.

Kimberley

Julia Cameron's , the Artist Way and Tim Ferris

This morning at around 5am, I forced myself out of bed because sleep was just not coming to me. I tossed and turned all night as grief filled my heart for a friend who has made a decision to return to his hometown in Europe. We have only known each other for a few short months, but he had made an impact on my life of which he is probably unaware of. The night sky was filled with lighting and thunderstorms, unsettled and needing expression. I knew how Mother Nature felt. And I knew what I needed to do to ease the pain of my heart. I needed to write and I needed my trusted cup of coffee!

So, I got up and I quietly went downstairs to the kitchen (so as not to disturb the guests in the house) and started making my coffee and fed the cats. The smell alone of the cinnamon in the coffee was starting to soothe my heart.

The cats got fed and I poured my coffee in trusty red mug and I went upstairs to write my Morning Pages. I grabbed a book on Gratitude that I have been reading and re-reading over the last few months. The book is titled, The Magic, by Rhonda Byrne. She is the woman who is infamous for writing The Secret.

I knew I needed to do something to look at life from a different perspective and to start feeling better. And I knew that little book would help. And so, I read and I started writing.

As I wrote my thoughts drifted and I was compelled to look at my personal facebook page. And what did I find but Tim Ferris's blog on writing The Morning Pages.

As always, the Universe brings things to me just when I need them. So, I stopped my own writing to read what Tim's blog had to say. His words soothed my soul because he dared to bare his emotions, this man who I have admired from afar for so many years. At the end of his blog there is an opportunity to leave a comment, and I did. A long comment. A heartfelt comment that I wrote as if I were writing a letter to him. The words flowed easily and effortlessly from my heart as they often do when my heart feels broken.

Tim doesn't let comments get published until they are reviewed, I do the same. So, my words cannot be seen as of yet. Does it matter to me that they be seen by the world? No. What matters is that I wrote them and that I feel better. The night storm has passed and the sun has shone itself on the maple trees outside my office window.

Just like Psalms 30:5 says: "Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning."

Thank you Tim Ferris, thank you Julia Cameron for the practice of "The Morning Pages." I am grateful to you both. Tim, if you happen to read my comments and hop on over to my blog page and read this, I would love to meet you! You truly are an inspiration to me!

For those of you who would like to read Tim Ferris's blog post that I am refering to, here is the link:

http://fourhourworkweek.com/2015/01/15/morning-pages/comment-page-5/#comment-799006


Blessings to Everyone on this Sunday Morning,

Kimberley