Saturday, April 28, 2012
So, several weeks ago, I posted a blog about my baby boy Ben. I never ended up putting him down the next day after I wrote the blog. I am happy to say that God gave me many more weeks with my boy! He began improving and eating like a little champ. He got to share some time with his sister Bella and he and I got some great cuddle time in! Ben always liked to lay down next to me and put his paws on my face. One particular night, when I was crying about him being so sick, he laid those little paws on my cheeks and wiped away my tears. He looked me straight in the eyes as he laid them on my face several times as if to say "Mommy don't cry, it will be ok."
He was making strides, gaining weight and wanting to once again play with some toys. I was hopeful that he and I could turn this around. However, God had another plan and my little boy died this past Tuesday because the cancer spread to his lungs.
I still long to hear him calling me when I walk in the door and look at me with those expressive eyes. A friend of mine used to say that Ben would talk some day. He did talk. I always knew what he was saying to me. He was a sweet, gentle, loving spirit. The days have gotten a little better, yet the tears are still very close at hand. Could I have tried something else? I will never know and I must trust that I did the right thing by my little guy.
Some of you who are my dearest friends know that I named him after the little boy I always wanted. Perhaps that is why this is so incredibly painful. I don't know. The little boy in my novel, soon to be published is named Ben as well. Perhaps the success of the book will be his gift to me. I don't know. What I do know is that I loved him like he was my child and that I miss him terribly.
My focus now must be to move my life forward and make my dreams come true. I still have my crazy twins at home (cats that is! ) and they need my love and caring just as Ben did.
Here is to looking forward to brighter days ahead!
Posted by Kimberley Barker Nightingale at 3:43 PM
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I love this quote. I laughed when I heard it. It gave me a new perspective on looking at my life right now.
My mom was raising four children and babysitting someone elses child during the day for some extra money. In addition, we had a dog or two, cats and perhaps the duck and the rabbit were in there somewhere.
The woman whose child my mom was caring for came into the house one day to see the four of us running around the house, playing with the dog, the rabbit was out of its cage and her daughter was joining in on the fun. It was a bit loud and chaotic needless to say.
And there in the dining room, amongst the sounds of little feet and a barking dog, was my mother at the sewing machine making a shower curtain of all things. Calm as could be, the stitches as straight as a ruler, my mother looked up and greeted the woman who exclaimed " five kids, a dog and a rabbit running around and here you are making a shower curtain like nothing else is happening?"
My mom told me that the chaos never really phased her too much. She just took it as a part of life.
Well, I just love that story because I wish I just had one ounce of that attitude that my mom had when chaos surrounded her in her home.
Right now, my cat Ben has made his little home in my master suite as he and I cure him from a cancer diagnosis. My other two, Bailey and Bella have been sequestered to separate rooms in the house as they have decided that they were going to act out now that Ben is getting all the attention and start hissing, growling and fighting. I rotate them daily down in the basement and on the first floor so they can get exercise and still know each others scent. But, it is a challenge as most of the rooms in the house are closed off to avoid any further cat confrontations.
As I was at my wits end this week with these goings on in my house, my mother shared this story with me. I envied her calm spirit!
However, each day is getting better. Ben is gaining weight, the other two are getting used to the new routine and I have found some holistic therapies to try and calm them down. I can sense the peace coming back with each day.
A huge thank you goes out to my mother for sharing this story and helping me to keep it all in perspective. Perhaps I too will attempt to make a shower curtain!
Posted by Kimberley Barker Nightingale at 9:07 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The art of taking one day at a time. I never quite knew what that felt like until these last few years of my life. I always thought you had to have goals and a plan and if you worked hard and played by all the rules, you would meet that goal. Well, what if, that plan didn't work as you thought it was supposed to? What if everything that you envisioned your life to be at this point - wasn't? What if you didn't know how or when things were going to change for the better? What if one day you just said to God, "you know what, I have no clue how this is all going to turn out and what the next steps are." " How am I going to change this around so that truly all will be well once again?
His answer: Be still. Surrender.
My response: Silence and a tear.
Posted by Kimberley Barker Nightingale at 11:25 PM
Saturday, April 7, 2012
My life in the last two months has put a complete halt to my writing. I miss it terribly. I haven't even had the time to write my Morning Pages, which is something I have done religiously for the last six years of my life.
The pieces of paper cry out to me, yet, my heart belongs to my feline family who have been in such need of me. The focus, the worry, the anger, the denial, the hope, the solution seeking of curing one who clearly wants to be well again. The perplexing behaviour of two who at one time slept together in peacefullness, yet now fight at the mere smell of one another.
Inside, my heart cries. For the peaceful, loving and free life we all once had and yearn for once again. The tears flow from exhaustion, love, hope, grief of a life we had not long ago and the new life that is now forming, yet unclear.
The pages yearn for the flow of my thoughts once again. My hands seek to create.
Lord, hear my prayer for myself and my feline family. That we may have our peaceful, loving and free life we so desire. That the time for my writing and all the other things I so love in my life reappears. That our little Ben's wellness overcomes whatever is ailing him.
Lord hear our prayer.
Kimberley, Ben, Bailey and Bella.
Posted by Kimberley Barker Nightingale at 8:53 PM